Jokes Page

Men Jokes - Making a change from blonde jokes!



'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower..'Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


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A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world...'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.......

in festive spirit...


Following the United States decision to recognise Jerusalem as the capital of Israel, the Palestinian authorities have entered into the spirit of things and decided to arbitrarily shift the capital of The United States to England.
In a move which will surprise many, the Palestinians announced yesterday that the capital of The United States will from now on, be the Lincolnshire steel town of Scunthorpe. Eagle eyed readers – but not necessarily all Americans – will have noticed that Scunthorpe isn’t even in the United States.


https://rochdaleherald.co.uk/2017/12/14/palestinians-recognise-scunthorpe-capital-us-answering-question-put-trump-scunthorpe

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions;
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No we have a carport, and not need one.
I mean, What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore
and put it on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say:
Polish Remover.

Not exactly a joke, but you've gotta smile to how things were back just a generation ago!

iPod, 1981, New York.

My wife's really obsessed with her new tropical juice diet. 
It's enough to make a mango crazy...

Last night there was a talent show at our local club.
One of the entrants was a gorgeous blonde female ventriloquist. You don't see many female ventriloquists.
What was even more surprising was that she performed topless.
She was really good. I didn't see her lips move once...

My wife's just told me she's leaving me because of my outrageous poker addiction...

I think she's bluffing

I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her ass. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is ...sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring all your implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.We'll go hot and heavy all night Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but ....for an outside line you need to press 9."

I've just been on a round-the-world holiday. Next year I'm going somewhere different!

IRISH JOKES DAY!
 
Paddy gets mugged by 4 blokes, but he puts up a great fight, in the end they hold him down & go through his pockets, all he has is 40p.The muggers say "You put up a hellish good fight for just 40p....why bother?"Paddy said "I thought you was after the £500 in my sock."
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An Irishman drove his car into a river because the local policeman told him to dip his headlights ...

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An Irish motorist also got his car stuck in a church door. He'd been told to take his car for a service.
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At a level-crossing in Ireland only one of the gates was open. A motorist asked the level-crossing keeper the reason. "Well, you see sir, we are half-expecting a train" ... 

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A Ryan Air pilot, when asked for for his height and position replied " "I'm 5ft 8in and sitting in the front seat" ...

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An Irishman rang up London Airport and asked how long the flight to Dublin took.
"Just a minute, sir" said the operator.
"Thank you" said the Irishman and rang off ... 

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An Irishman was stopped by a foreign tourist and asked what the yellow line along the side of the street indicated.
"Oh, that means no parking at all"
Thank you" said the tourist. "But, in that case, what do two yellow lines mean then?"
"Ah" said the Irishman, "that means no parking at all, at all" ...

I hired a Landscape Gardener the other day...he said he couldnt do anything mine is portrait.

My grief counsellor died suddenly yesterday....he was that good im ok.

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue...

All you do is say "Have You Put On Weight?"

My friend Gav died yesterday from taking Heartburn tablets....

.....I can't believe gavisgon

Q: How do you get a fat girl into bed?  

A: Piece of Cake

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"

No sun.

Keighley police are hunting a woman known as the 'knitting needle Nutter', who has stabbed 16 people in the backside with a knitting needle in the last two days.
Chief inspector Malcolm Ballcock thinks she may be following some sort of pattern...