Jokes Page

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IRISHMAN IN THE ELEVATOR

A little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down and says:
"7 ft tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown"

The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"
In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 ft tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown"

The Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said,"Turn around!"

Two Irishmen had a nightmare day visting the sperm bank in London. Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus


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I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

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I was in town shopping today and stopped a woman in the street.
"Excuse me love, have you any idea where I can get a decent jumper?"
"Have you tried Fat Face?" she replied.
"Good idea," I said. "Do you know anywhere?" I said, turning to my wife!



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My mate Dean, a Millwall supporter, got thrown out of Poundland for keep picking things up and asking the assistant how much they cost ...




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A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "JESUS KNOWS YOU'RE HERE".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and just froze.
When it remained all quite for a time he shook his head and continued his search of the property.
Just as he pulled the sterio out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he hears, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU".
Freaked out, he shone the flashlight all around the room in an attempt to seek out were the voice was comming from.
Finally, in the corner of the room he spots a parrot , "Did you say that, he hissed at the parrot?"
"Yep", the parrot confesses, then squawked, "I was just trying to warn you that he is watching you".
The burglar relaxed, "Warn me, huh, who in the world are you".
"Moses", replied the parrot. "Moses", the burglar laughed, "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?".
"Well", said the parrot, "The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler JESUS."

Three dead bodies turn up at a Leeds mortuary ALL with big smiles on their faces.
 The coroner calls the police to ask them what happened.
 The first body was a Pierre Dubois, a Frenchman died while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile.
 Second body was Hamish Campbell, Scotsman who had recently won £50,000 on the lottery and spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, but a very happy man.
 The third body, "Ah", says the police inspector, "most unusual, John Smithey from Yorkshire struck by lightning ".
"But why is he smiling then?" inquires the coroner.
"Well", says the inspector, "He thought he was having his picture taken".

1975
That's it!! I'm never taking my kids back to school again!! I am sick of them being bullied for being the skinny kid in class

2015
Oh how times have changed...

Once upon a time there was a family of potatoes. Mother potato, Father potato and their three daughter potatoes. One day one of the daughters comes home and said
"I'm so excited, I'm getting married to a Royal Jersey".
"Oh thats wonderful" said the parents, "our daughter is marrying into royalty".
The next day the second daughter comes home and says
"I'm so excited, I'm marrying a King Edward".
"Oh that's wonderful" said the parents, "two of our daughters are marrying into royalty".
The next night the third daughter arrives home and says
"I'm so excited, I'm marrying John Motson".
"You can't marry John Motson" said the parents "he's a common tater"...

Mobile Phone Etiquette
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her mobile phone.
She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any longer.

What's the definition of a will?










(It's a dead giveaway) ...

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.

In 2014, they ate 126,472,925 bananas and only 6 monkeys ...

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

I bet it was! ...

19 local yokels go to the cinema, and the ticket lady asks:
 "Why so many of you?"
Joe replies, "Because ... the film said 18 or over."

Avalanche of short jokes coming up tonight!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

I had a note like that once. They were so nice that they said if I paid it in 2 weeks, I only had to pay half. So that was nice!

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Stuie?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Stuie, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “Oh ... I give up!”

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns

“My dog just chased some kid on a bike”
“Wow, I had no idea your dog could even ride a bike...”

Breaking news -
A cement mixer has just collided with a prison van. People are warned to be on the lookout for 15 hardened criminals!

I was in Sydney at the Rocks last night, standing at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer came up behind me, and slapped me on the ar*e.
 She said, "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number!”
I looked at her and said, "Have you got a pen?"
 She said, "I sure do."
 I said, "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing."

My wife said to me, "I'm fed up with you being so lazy, pack your bags and leave."

I said, "You pack them."

There once was a man who loved Ipswich Town and tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, every home and away shirt, even some tractor porn (which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors and Ipswich Town, was the love he felt for his wife. His high school sweetheart, who didn't mind his infatuation with tractors one bit. She didn't even mind the role play where she would dress as a tractor, he would dress as a farmer, and he would take her for a "ride".
Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell right off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "please don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big farm in the sky.
Sadly, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items even changing his allegiance to Norwich, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, his beloved home and away shirts from thirty plus years of collectingand even his collection of tractor porn. He put it all in a pile and burned it in the yard.
What ever didn't burn enough to his liking was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 8 years. Finally on the 8th anniversary of his darling wife's death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner.
The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night.
When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

THREE Australians and three New Zealanders were travelling by train to a rugby match at the World Cup in England.
At the station, the three Aussies each bought a ticket and watched as the three Kiwis bought just one ticket between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Aussies.
"Watch and learn,'' answered one of the Kiwis.
They all boarded the train. The Aussies took their seats, but all three Kiwis crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them.
Shortly after, the conductor came. He knocked on the toilet door.
"Ticket please.''
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took the ticket and moved on.
The Aussies agreed this was quite a clever idea, so, after the game, they decided to go one better on the return trip.
When they got to the station for the return trip, the Kiwis again bought a single ticket between them, but, to their astonishment, the Aussies didn't buy any.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?'' asked one of the Kiwis.
"Watch and learn,'' answered an Aussie.
When they boarded the train, the three Aussies crammed into a toilet, and, soon after, the three Kiwis crammed into another nearby.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies left the toilet, walked over to the toilet where the Kiwis were hiding and knocked on the door.
"Ticket please.''

Difference between men and ladies ...
 
 

I don't know why I bought this new coconut shampoo...
I haven't even got any coconuts.



I'm currently writing a mystery novel... or am I?

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. “Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, “by cheque.”
“I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. “There’s no money in that account.”

“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine what a weekend I had?”

A mum visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl room-mate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious...

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, her son volunteered:
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just
roommates and nothing more."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying:
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

"Dear Mum,
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son."


Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mum. xx"

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Catholic Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies,

"Get out, you idiot. You're in on my side".

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name...